


La Dolce Vita

by blueitalianpeace



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:07:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueitalianpeace/pseuds/blueitalianpeace
Summary: "I'm close for business… that part of my life is over" little did she know/Meredith Grey and Andrew DeLuca one-shots
Relationships: Andrew DeLuca/Meredith Grey
Comments: 7
Kudos: 39





	1. Train Wreck

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!, English is not my first language and I only know so much about medical terms so sorry in advanced for any kind of mistake.  
> I'm going to maintain the show's tradition of naming chapters after songs, feel free to leave suggestions and I will be trying to take requests from tumblr.  
> You can find it also on fanfiction.net

_Inspired by season 16 episode 10, help me through the night.  
_

_What if Andrew DeLuca wasn't fine?_

* * *

We come into this world to leave a mark, or at least we are told that. We walk into each other lives without knowing the impact we are going to cause. Strangers become soulmates, friends become enemies, coworkers turn into a family, endless possibilities we can unblock by just saying _hi_. Our whole life depends on that initial step towards human ties.

Imagine how Miranda Bailey must be feeling right now, surrounded by loud ambulances delivering her badly injured residents to their colleagues and friends. Her eyes are full of horror; she is not registering sounds or commands. She has a front-row seat to one of her nightmares; she is walking in circles trying to take it all in.

It was _a lot._

A hand on her shoulder pulls her out of her trance _; he is fine_ , she thinks, time to be the chief "Uh, okay, these guys go straight to the front of the line. Altman, take Parker." She said while pointing to Teddy where her patient was.

"Go it."

"Page everyone. It's all hands on deck." Miranda says to a nurse while trying to think of her next move. Everything is falling so fast, they're getting weaker so fast. "Come on. Let's move. Move, move!" that feels more like an out-loud self-pep talk than words of courage to her staff.

This wasn't her day, definitely, "Hey, hey, hey, if you're gonna be here, so am I, alright?" What would she do without Ben Warren? "Give me privileges. I can hop in." It was completely reasonable that he wanted to be involved, so it didn't take much thinking for her to agree with him.

"Okay, see if Altman needs help with Parker after that. Go where needed in the E. R., but Ben, that's it, I can't have you in an O.R." She was holding his arm, checking if he was hurt in any kind swiftly and took off because the night has just begun. The pain in her lower belly served as a reminder that she already lost so much today.

_It's a horrible day to save lives.  
_

Saying the E.R. was packed, it was a huge understatement. There were multiple wounds on everyone, a lot of personal feelings, nonetheless, they must keep pushing, keep moving, keep healing. Nothing else mattered. Each department was on the move. Tom Koracick and Amelia Shepherd were no exception to this rule.

"Hey, I just heard. Is everyone alive?" Asked the female neurosurgeon with palpable concern in her voice to her former mentor.

"As far as I know, yes. Someone has an endless list of injuries, they're paging us." He is going through the charts as fast as he cans to start prioritizing patients. He already has a winner.

"Wait, who?" She knows all of the trauma patients are her friends, they had been with her in surgeries and parties, she may not be able to call all of them friends, but she was looking forward to that day.

"There are no names yet." He was always so put together, but the lines on his forehead were telling a story that did not match his tone. He did know who was heavily injured, but the storm could wait a little bit more. "How bad is it?" Tom asked the chief as soon as he arrived at the pit.

"Sims and Helm are pretty bad, the same as the couple in the car, the worst one is-" She stopped her sentence the second she saw who was jus _t_ entering the hospital. _She does not have to know this way_ ; her friend side took over her thoughts allowing her chief side to stay on the bench just for a little more. The storm can still wait.

Meredith Grey was marching into the E.R. with Atticus Lincoln, Jo Karev, and a baby? -that would have to be a problem for other time-, talking and acting entirely normal considering the chaos, of course, she has no idea _yet_. Bailey understood it was time. She would see it on the board or the chart; first, she needed to be alone with her.

"Uh, Lincoln, Shepherd, can you guys jump in here?" Miranda used that millisecond to grab the tablet from Meredith's hands, "Not only are swamped, but we are short-staffed." She was hugging the device for dear life while Tom was giving her a look _._

_What are you waiting for?_

"Well, not anymore because I've called in reinforcements." Clueless that in the next couple of seconds, she'll be asking for the best possible care. Richard Webber and Owen Hunt were walking towards them like some kind of superheroes without a cape.

"Look, before you say something, I don't care; they are my students, I hired them." Webber treated every single intern the same way he would treat his children. He may not work in Grey Sloane anymore, but it'll always be his hospital and his department.

"Okay, temporary privileges granted, we need the help, please go to trauma one; everyone gowns and gloves and keep up." It was getting harder to tell her what was going on; she has had enough losses for one life, Miranda did not want to be the next mental image she would never forget.

She started to designate the rest of her team to the residents, leaving Meredith, Amelia, and herself for last for the most critical patient who was in trauma one. The time is here; she was not ready for the next few seconds, let alone hours. "Shepherd goes in there, Grey come with me."

"Bailey, what are you doing? that's the last room left." Meredith questioned very disconcerted; then it hit her, she hasn't seen _him_. "Where's Andrew DeLuca?" Her whole body language changed. Her eyes were beginning to feel cloudy; her mind was racing with thoughts she was begging, were not true.

"Mer-"

 _Trauma one._ "I have to go in there." She was more than willing to run, nevertheless, Miranda takes her arm preventing her from getting into the room. "I have to." Meredith was starting to fall apart, and the chief noticed that look in her eyes that was telling her that no mattered what she did, she would not stop the woman in front of her. She let go of the blonde's arm. The storm was here. "How is he?" Bailey didn't respond, the loud gasp that left her mouth was more than an answer.

"Meredith, you shouldn't be in here." Webber was the first one to react. Everyone looked so serious, focused on their work. Amelia's face was saying everything, she was doing her neuro exam, so far, not a single good sign. Grey didn't care; she was already putting on gloves, they weren't dating at the moment, or maybe they were; their lines were blurred, however, that didn't imply she was letting him die.

"Dr. Grey, you can't help." Bailey's voice did not make her move an inch. She was already creating a mental list of his injuries, contemplating what she could fix right now. "Meredith, if you want to be here, let them work; your judgment is clouded."

"No, I can help." She kept working without letting anything get to her. "The abdomen is distended." She had to do something.

"Meredith, maybe it's best if you step outside-" Amelia couldn't even finish her sentence.

"I'm not going through this again!" The room went completely silent. All of them understood what she was referring to; her reaction was completely normal, however, she was way too involved in him to take his case. "I don't want to, not if this time I can do something about it." Her voice went soft; tears began to threaten to go down her face, she was breaking, it was now or never, Bailey in one smooth move, placed herself in front of her.

"Look at me." Meredith obeyed. "I swear to you, he's going to be fine, _we got him_ , please, move so we can do what they didn't for Derek; you are not losing anyone tonight, at least, not on my watch." Miranda knew better than making promises she can't keep about patient health, yet she saw how badly her friend needed it.

Meredith eventually moved, throwing the gloves to the floor and stepping into the corner of the small room. "Talk to me." She was standing like a grounded child with her eyes crossed in front of herself and a face that said more than a million words.

Out of habit, Owen began the report "Andrew DeLuca, blunt force to the head, chest, and abdomen; persistent hypotension after two liters of saline, the pulse is at 130." You can tell how Meredith was doing everything to keep it together after hearing just the first part of what can be hours of dangerous procedures. "I need four units of blood."

"Possible multiple fractures, try to hold still." Webber wasn't happy with the idea of her standing there, but he had to keep going for their sake. He was doing multiple pain exams with Andrew grunting now and then. "He's being poorly responsive." It hurts to hear it, but she had been in hundreds of cases like this, it did not help her nerves at all, but she knew the drill. They have to say every discovery out loud.

"Someone was saying he took most of it, positive loss of consciousness at the scene." Who was this intern who did not know when to keep his mouth shut? Meredith was growing tenser, she was breathing so fast and heavy; it was killing her to keep her knowledge to herself, but she trusted these people with her life _. They got him_. She kept praying to whoever would listen.

"GCS of 10, possible bleeding in the brain." Bailey was delivering her report, questioning herself when the list of damage would stop growing?

"Get a C.T." Meredith said in a whisper she probably did not notice left her mouth. She was attempting to hug herself the way she knew he would do if he were here. Finally, she was able to stop the silent tears; crying wasn't going to help him; a rational mind would.

"He's got a flail chest in the right. I need a 36 French tube now!" She had to trust this was Owen's area, he has done it in worst conditions, and more times she can count _. He got him_.

"He's still hypotensive and tachycardic up to two fluid boluses."

"He could be bleeding in his chest, hang two units of blood and give me a full trauma panel, x-rays and cross him for four." He grabbed the IV's Y port, quickly the nurse gave him the plasma he requested and placed it.

Hunt had everything ready for the tube; this was not going to be pretty, "I'm sorry man, this is going to hurt, but you know we have to do it." In the same instant, Owen placed the tube into DeLuca's pleural space. Andrew screamed full of pain that was more than enough to bring Meredith out of the corner directly to the left side of the bed to take his hand.

She got as close as she could to his ear. "You don't get to this to me; you don't get to leave me." Their eyes crossed for the smallest second; Meredith swears she felt how he squeezed her hand, using the other one to run her fingers through his dusty curly hair. It was heartbreaking to watch and feel. Amelia was working on his head and noticed how DeLuca reacted; it gave her a little hope, but he was in awful shape to start thinking positive.

"I need a C.T."

"He's bleeding into his belly. We don't have time. We need to take him straight to the O.R." the typical fight between Owen and Amelia was starting. This was not the occasion or the case for it.

Meredith knew it was her moment to step in, "His GCS hasn't changed since he got here, we have time, his pressure is holding, sedate him to secure the airway and GET THE DAMN C.T.!" Her face was red, the tears were running down her face unapologetically. Normally, she would not cry this bad; she needed to keep him alive, the drama will not keep him from dying, she loved him way too much to let her emotions take the best of her.

"You heard Dr. Grey, move!" The whole team got ready to move Andrew. She tried her best to keep his hand on hers, however, Bailey took Meredith in her arms, hugged her with all of her strength trying to move her, but the blonde was putting up a fight; she did not want him to be alone. "I can not let you go with them, and you know it." She calms down instantly when she realized they were in the corridor. Now it made sense why when she arrived everyone looked at her direction with the same pitiful look they all had now. Meredith needed to keep it together. She had authority and respect, a reputation, that she needs to maintain, even though at the moment, that was at the bottom of her priorities list.

She ran her palms through her face in a failed attempt to look more composed. She gave herself a second to be more aware of her surroundings. She needed something to ground her, "I have to." Meredith hated when someone pulled that on her because she understands it so much, the ache is so heavy, the hole in her chest only gets bigger by the second. The man she loved was losing the fight against death while she was standing outside of the trauma room dedicated to him.

Amelia was out of the suffocating room to update her sister, "Bailey, _I got this_." She placed a hand on her chief shoulder. Miranda was required to be somewhere else. They looked at each other in the eye to have a silent conversation; the chief left rushing to catch the team with Andrew DeLuca in the gurney. Hundreds of times before Meredith was her strength when she didn't have any. It was time to return the favor, it terrified her a lot, but she had to. Alex wasn't here, Maggie wasn't here (that could be fixed), Cristina was way too far away, she had to be her sister person. "Hey, hey, hey." Meredith was more than ready to leave with them, though, the neurosurgeon caught her soon enough to stop her with a hand on her shoulder, "I'm thinking he has a head lac if the C.T. confirms it, he's going to need a craniotomy." Of course, the blonde knew that. Amelia deduced it was better to tell her things straight, letting her be aware of all the facts, thinking about medical terms could distract her mind from the worst for a while. "Do you want me to page Koracick so I can stay with you?"

 _So if he dies, I'm not the one responsible_.

"No, I need _you_ with him." Grey was finally coming to her senses more and more. Andrew needs her to make his medical decisions while Carina is away. She would give everything to be in the O.R., completely impossible someone in that room would allow her to do something. She had to rely on Amelia being there for her; little did she know her sister preferred to be as far away from the catastrophe.

"Fine, but I'm calling someone to be here with you." Meredith nodded. The neurosurgeon disappeared without saying anything else leaving her dizzy with her mind in a complete haze. She began to turn around in a useless effort to see him walking to her completely fine; that was not going to happen. She did not know why she was torturing herself like that; begging for the impossible was getting her -and him- nowhere.

"Dr. Grey, are you ok?" Levi Schmitt came out from behind her, placing his hands on her shoulder to stop her from moving, but she kept searching with her eyes. "Dr. Grey, are you looking for someone?" He looked so worried and confused, he was at the bar when the accident happened, but he was not aware who was injured and who wasn't.

"I need you to find out to which O.R. they took Andrew DeLuca." The sadness was turning to anger pretty quickly on a strange combination of the stages of grief. Glasses wasn't the one to blame, there was no one to blame.

"Wait, who? Is he alright?" Schmitt being Schmitt in the worst possible moment.

"That's why I have to find out where he is, so start moving. Page me when you know." She was in the head of general surgery mode. She had to be in control of something; the resident in front of her seemed the best option.

"I don´t think you should be-"

"Just do it!" Her pain was taking the best of her, " _Please._ " She managed to take her voice back to the broken tone she had been using all night. Her eyes were begging him to help her, so he ran, he didn't know who to ask, hell, the only thing Levi knew is that he should not be doing it, but if this were Nico... He would be doing the same thing, so he ran.

_O.R. two._

Meredith was still standing there in shock when she got the text. She ran for her life the so familiar path with a deviation, Meredith beg she wasn't taking it to the gallery. She was lucky no one who would stop her crossed her way. The whole staff was busy trying to save their friends, she should probably be doing that, but it was better she didn't with her shaking hands and watery eyes. She finally arrived at the gallery, to her surprise, Maggie was already sitting there.

"Richard had a nurse to call me and keep me updated when he saw him. I was sure you wouldn't be able to just sit, so I decided to wait for you in here." Meredith did not say a word; she was feeling tired. The running while facing a life or death matter did not help either. She took a seat next to Pierce, out of instinct, their hands laced together in a tight grip. "He's going to be fine. They set up for an ex-lap, and Amelia is already getting started with the craniotomy. He's hypotensive, already on pressors." She got up to turn on the intercom; she wanted to listen to everything that was happening. Meredith hated how now she had to talk about him as a patient. He was way more than that. He is the one that turns back time for her.

"He cannot go today. We're not completely fine, but he means more to me than everyone, or even I know if he leaves me while thinking I don't respect him, Maggie, I do not know if I can take it. Again."

" _Betadine."_

" _He has a fracture on his left radius."_

"Mer, maybe it's better if you leave-"

"No." They were not aware that the intercom was working in all ways possible and the people down in the O.R. were listening to their heartbreaking conversation. Amelia looked terrified. She takes a deep breath each time she hears Meredith's words, but she recovers fast, every single one of those, very focused on her work.

 _"Meredith, please, listen to her. You should not see this."_ Webber was working a hundred miles per hour, but his brain could only process her almost daughter's pain.

"If I can't go and take your place, I'm standing here." _Ellis_ , the resemblance between her and her mother would always amaze Richard, and terrified him. Meredith decided not to sit down again, well, her anxiety chose for her. Pacing around the room, looking down whenever she felt like it, crying silently, biting her nails, trying to keep track of what they fixed and what they had left.

"Do you want to talk?" It was eating Maggie how broken her sister looked, not being able to do something about it was worst, she did not work here anymore, and a cardio surgeon, from what she can see, wasn't needed, fortunately, the poor Italian already had enough.

" _The colon's avulsed. We'll need to resect and create a temporary colostomy."  
_

_It could be worse_ , she kept repeating to herself. It was becoming harder to watch without doing anything about it. She trusted the whole team with her life -they had saved her before- but the feeling was there, it was killing her. The O.R. was supposed to be her safe place; she is always in control there. She has been powerless before but never like this, never when she can help.

_"He's got a grade-2 splenic lac."_

"Leave it." She ordered from the intercom that was still on in both ways. She had no plans of changing that soon.

" _Agreed, check the four quadrants, and double-check the retrohepatic space."_ Bailey was the first one to react, and Webber to take the command, they weren't also in the best place, however, Meredith needed them, their resident and friend needed them to work together.

" _Crap, his SATs are dropping."_

" _Check the test tube."_

" _Cleared."_

"Check it again!" Meredith was growing more worried. He was getting worst, way worst. Maggie could sense how bad she wanted to go down; she took her sister's hand forcing her to sit and hugged her to keep her in place.

 _"Damn it, he's got a huge hemothorax. We have to open his chest. I need a thoracotomy tray!"_ Owen's tone was desperate, he was always calm and collected _. This was getting ugly_.

"No, wait, see how much blood comes out, it will probably stop. Just wait." She had to stand up again; her hands were touching the glass as if she could get through it with her mind; Maggie stands up with her, hugging her from behind, at this point, she was crying too for her friend and sister.

" _Heart rate is dropping."_

_"He's crashing. Palets!"_

"No…" a whispery word left her lips, and she fell to the floor with her sister trying to catch her. Everything felt so heavy, the air was so hard to breathe, her whole body was failing her, she was so dizzy to the point in any second she could throw up.

" _Maggie take her out of here! Clear!_ " Webber was screaming, one shock in DeLuca wasn't responding, she does not have to see this, hell, she does not have to live this again. " _Maggie now! Get her out of there, damn it, Schmitt get up there and help her!_ " He was the one doing the resuscitation, two shocks in with the same number of rounds of epi. Nothing.

_This could not be happening._

"No, please, I have to be here!" Maggie was trying with all of her strength to take her out. She was crying hard, screaming to whoever listened to please do something, holding on to the chairs. "I can't do this again!" Meredith started repeating relentlessly until Levi arrived. He and Pierce finally were able to bring her out of the room, immediately, they placed themselves in front of the door. "I swear if you don't-" she was more than ready to punch someone when somebody's arms trapped her.

"Mer, listen to me." _Alex_ , he was back, it didn't matter who called him or if he was here, she needed to see Andrew, she kept fighting him while he was imploring her to listen until she broke down to tears in his arms. "Pierce, go downstairs to help them." Maggie just ran out of there with an ache in her heart, however, if someone -besides Andrew DeLuca and Cristina Yang- could calm down Meredith was him. "He's going to be fine." Karev wasn't a false hope person, but it was extremely required for him to be in this scenario. He started caressing her hair with his hand; at some point, they ended up on the ground with their backs leaning on the door. The sound of her heavy crying was eclipsing the quiet sounds of the intercom; they were loud enough to be heard from outside.

She turned to look at him in the eyes, "I have to-"

It breaks his heart, seeing her like this, but the last time she ran away. _She left him._ He was sure as hell he would not let that happen again. "You don't have to do anything, I'm not letting you in there again, you are coming with me to a waiting room, and there you can scream, punch me, or whatever you want, okay? You are not getting in there again." Meredith was significantly calmer. He knew a more populated area would obligate her to look more put together.

They stand up, making their way to the closest waiting area. She was full zombie mode; but with every step, she looked stronger building a solid façade to everyone who didn't know her that well. "Sit here." They were seated side by side, he wanted to hug her, but she was trying so hard to keep it together that he decided against it.

"Who called you?" Her voice was louder. Meredith wanted to distract her mind from what was happening in the O.R. 2.

"Everyone was alerted about the accident with the names of the residents before you on Bailey's orders; Jo, Link, Richard, hell, even Koracick texted me that I should come." He decided to take her hand; her whole body was shaking. She was counting every single breath.

_In and out._

Meredith straights her spine. Feeling so small was not something she accustomed to; she allows herself to take a look at the other people in the room; the sorrow was palpable. She always avoided these areas because of what she had been neglect to with Derek, but now. She has a moment to think about it; she's thankful. It's always better to rip off the band-aid quickly. "I was going to tell him that I had enough of the break. I even checked my old Italian book to make sure I would say the right words _. Mi manchi_." She lets out a bitter laugh. "When I'm more than ready to be happy this happens, I have been saying it all day, but it's finally hitting me. I can not lose him too, Alex. I know that I will be capable to put myself back together like I always do, but I don't want to, _I really do not want to_." A single tear tried to escape her right eye, but she quickly cleaned it. "I love him." She needed to stay positive; for both of them. Karev just held her hand waited with her.

Two hours passed and nobody came for her, that can either means he was fine, or nobody wanted to give her the news. Seconds later, Maggie appeared with a neutral face.

"Just tell me," Meredith said in a firm voice, it sounded normal. Like her usual self. Her eyes were telling a whole different story, damn, her extremely shaky leg was writing an entire novel about it.

"He's not out of the woods yet, but he made it."

_Shit, I forgot to call his sister._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original version I wrote of this was a word monster and I really didn't want something long, some parts can feel rushed. Some of you may notice that I used Derek injuries to make it easier for me (I am studying to become a nurse, however, I'm still doubtful about most things, and the difference between healthcare in the USA and Mexico is kind of huge) and also plot-wise, I wanted an overdramatic almost PTSD Meredith, sorry about that too.
> 
> This part is named after Train Wreck of James Arthur but honestly, I wrote it while listening to folklore.
> 
> Hope you like it. 


	2. Orpheus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five times (or more), Andrew DeLuca pushed Meredith Grey away, and the one time, she did not allow it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the whole season 16, trigger warning for mentions of Andrew's bipolar disorder. Nothing that hasn't been shown on the show is here, but please be careful.  
> This is a long one.

The first time it happened, it was odd, not unexpected given the fact that she just told him that they weren't going to make it. Nobody wants to hear that their relationship is hopeless; besides, he was very optimistic about the outcome of her hearing. Their lives were supposed to be easier once this whole mess was off, but he never thought the only thing she would lose is her faith in them. Perhaps they could have worked something out because two people who are together should think through things together; unfortunately, that wasn't their case.

_I hate someone I used to love._

Those words kept running in her mind as Meredith walked to open the door only to find her boyfriend on the other side. Out of anxiety, she fixed her blouse and brushed her hair with her fingers.

"Can we talk?" said a profoundly serious Andrew. It surprised her to see him. They agreed she should spend the night celebrating with her kids. It was not an ungrateful surprise, yet, she was aware there would be some talking to do and -if she was lucky- some all-night activities.

"Yeah." She could read in his face some concern, fear, and a hint of heartbreak. Meredith had way too much experience in relationships to not get worried. She did not even remember how they ended up on the porch with their hands perfectly united. It was quite romantic, although the tension between them was palpable, not in a good sexual way.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said." Meredith knew she had to fix this. She didn't even allow him to start the conversation he required. "I didn't mean that we wouldn't make it." True. "I just- I don't know." She has this common problem that always hits her when she must open about her feelings; she can't fully express them. "I don't know what I meant. I was scared." He understands. He wouldn't judge her for any of her actions regardless of her fear. He was there to be whatever she needed it; whenever she needed it, even if it meant to break his heart a thousand times, he will be there because she will fix it a thousand times more.

"Mer, don't. Okay? You mean it." Andrew had the same problem. It was one of the reasons why they connected so well despite his tendency to feel everything too deeply; while Meredith preferred to clean her emotions away, _literally_. Both of them have issues apart from the ones they share; of course, when everything collides, nobody was going to act rationally.

"No, I didn't." Her hard tone indicated the fight was on. She had been through this so many times. Derek trained her for this kind of argument; however, he also taught her how to solve them. She was looking at him directly in his eyes, begging him to understand her, to believe in her.

"I stood up for you in court." Although she was ready to counterattack with words, the action of Andrew releasing her right hand was more than enough for her to allow him to keep going. "I defended you at the hospital. _I went to jail for you_." A small part inside his brain was trying to stop him from saying more stuff he has no business bringing up. You do not ask for a reward for the actions you do out of love. _You should not do it_. Still, there he was throwing at her face his good deeds, screwing everything up.

_But it was not his fault._

"I know," She sighs. "and I didn't ask you to do any of those things." She was not wrong. She was _deeply_ grateful. Nonetheless, Meredith hated him for bringing them up because it made her feel like she hasn't been doing enough. It's not like she has to. She loves him, that's supposed to be enough. She is supposed to be enough.

_It was not her fault._

"I know," Andrew said irritated, she wasn't getting his point. "But I did it anyway because I love you." Both of their postures changed instantly. When it came to them and the four-letter word and them, it was always something so delicate, _untouchable_. "Because I'd do anything for you." They only had one hand still intertwined. It felt like those hands were carrying the weight of what it was becoming more than an argument. "Because that's what you do for your partner."

Life is always up to interpretation; words are messy while actions are loud, nevertheless, neither of them will ever be enough to express what we want in the way we need it. Right now, outside of Meredith's house, an avoidable misunderstanding was happening; non of the persons involved were saying what it needed to be said. Their ideas did not match their words, so it happened, and _it was not their fault_.

"But I'm not your partner. Am I?"

* * *

The second time it shouldn't even count. It was more _subtle_. There were people around them, a lot, who just wanted to give her a warm welcome to the hospital, even though, the second their eyes collided, nobody was around. They missed each other deeply, however, they were too proud. Andrew was still firm with the idea of her needing some time alone, and Meredith, well, she is Meredith.

"Bailey re-hired you?" You can hear the flirtatious tone in his voice, almost playful. He was using comedy to hide the real intentions of his comment. He was not part of her life anymore. He does not get to know when she was coming to work, at what time she will be leaving, or what surgeries she had to do today. No more falling to sleep on the same bed talking about their days, no more midnight texting. No more _them_. That was the last straw Andrew needed to realize his massive mistake.

"Well, I was going to tell you, but you were too busy dumping me." She understood the game they were playing, it was fun, and truth to be told, she was hurt, bitterly hurt. After they broke up, she did her night routine. She continued with her ordinary life because she had to; this was not her first rodeo. At this point in her life, she was such an expert on hiding feelings, _moving on_ , that would definitely cost her some great pain later, but nothing she has not been able to handle. She always rises above the situation, even if it cost her a part of herself.

"I did not dump you. I asked you to take some time." He toned down the humor to say that. They were face to face; with his eyes, he was sending a message made for her _. I still love you_. Her vision was cloudy by the pain he caused. She didn't and won't get it. It will take some time till she does, but they had to trust in the process. They must trust. Maybe time it was what they needed it, time to miss one another to see how strong their love could be even though their minds were fragile.

"Rob/steal. Murder/kill. It all means the same thing." Fear started to grow in him; his mind worked some pretty good things to say to her.

_Love/partnership. The two take some time._

Meredith will answer him that she did not need any because she loves him and wants to be with him or something around that style. Sadly, he kept it inside, giving his fear permission to take over while watching her walk away and treat him like another resident.

* * *

The third time was… _eye-opening_. Their relationship was in a weird place, they were having sex, but they were not together. Maybe they were still together, but neither of them noticed because of the familiarity in what they were doing. The whole messiness allowed the biggest catastrophe between them to happen with less surprise. People around them like to call this time the Suzanne Britland, a case that brought them together to pull them part like no one. It's funny how they began their day tangled naked in bed, making promises about talking. They were going to figure out their relationship after Andrew figure out Suzanne. It was a bulletproof plan. It will give them time to focus on their professional lives, to have more sex with no strings attached, and feel every single emotion they wanted to. Nothing went as planned; however, the only thing she figured it out in those days it's he was changing, drastically changing.

A doctor can get overworked and tired, it happens all the time, is something Meredith understand so perfectly, but a doctor can't get _obsessed_. She noticed how he started the case so optimistic with a strong desire to find out what was wrong.

He had some guilt driving him crazy. One of the possible diagnoses was a nosocomial infection. Something that could be caused by the appendicectomy he performed on Suzanne. Then _it wasn't_.

He was growing more worried and more out of himself. She blamed it on the pressure; everyone did. Her mistake was not seeing she is not everyone. She was supposed to be the person who knew him better than anyone, yet, she didn't notice the first warning sign.

Meredith likes to think if only she had taken the case with him from the begging with better schedules, necessary breaks, and her to look out after him. She could have acknowledged sooner when something in him started to work differently from his usual self. Andrew asked for her help multiple times. He was keeping her updated with his discoveries. Relationship or not, she had a professional duty to be there for him, but she also had something to prove. She thought by letting him solve this alone, she will be showing him her respect. She was so goddamn wrong.

Meredith had enough when Suzanne's meds were suspended along with Andrew's stability.

_Suffering is better than dying. We need the diagnosis, DeLuca. Stay the course._

That conversation with Dr. Lauren Riley triggered something in him, not for the best. It was not driven to make a diagnosis; the only way to call it was _anxiety_. When it seemed that Meredith's concern could not grow further, he approached her at the nurse station. Interrupting her conversation with Hayes to attack her with a bunch of questions ignoring the man she was talking to make a rude remark in Italian. He wasn't acting like the sweet, polite, and good with the kids' guy she fell in love with. He was elated, irritable, and hyperactive. He was not fine.

"You've been going through transcripts of my old lectures?" Meredith said amazed. His hair looked disheveled; there were bags under his eyes. He looks so trapped. She was getting such a bad feeling.

"Well, yeah, I'm going through transcripts from everyone's lectures." DeLuca thought he was stating the obvious, but all she could hear was how much he needed, _deserved_ , a rest.

"When's the last time you slept, Andrew?" She was trying to read his face, looking for his eyes to have a better perception of his mind, but it seemed like she couldn't read him anymore. He was supposed to be the easy one in the relationship. He will wear his heart on his sleeve for her to take, still there she was looking at him so clueless. She tried to show him some support by rubbing his arm. He didn't flinch or acknowledge the gesture like he usually would; she was even able to leave her hand on his without him knowing. His focus was completely on the case.

"What's that have to do with anything?" He said indifferently; this was nothing for him. Solving the case was his top priority, and apparently, the only thing in his rapid mind.

"You can't help Suzanne if you're exhausted." She saw how his attention was on her, so she was going to take advantage of those seconds where she had him. "You took Suzanne off the meds three days ago."

And Meredith _lost him_.

"Mh-hmm" He scratched his forehead in irritation. Meredith stroked his hand with her thumb to calm him down. Usually, she would not allow such a public display of affection, but her body was aching to do something.

 _Screw it_.

"Have you taken a break?" She knew the answer; however, nothing was wrong with asking because she had hope in him.

"Look, can you just answer the question, please?" He slammed his hands on the papers, aggressively letting go of the hand he just noticed was interwind on his.

Her mind could only process him, and the case he was asking for was a long time ago. It was understandable for her to hesitate. "I think the rash was, Uhm, propofol-infusion syndrome." She gave up. Meredith understood he will calm down once the case is resolved, at the moment there wasn't much she could do.

_Little did she know._

"Propofol infusion," Andrew said for himself. "Okay." He grabbed his case files ready to go, but Meredith's voice stopped him.

"You could try to run a CgA." It was a valid suggestion he took as a mean comment.

"Thank you. It didn't need to be that hard." The sarcasm was so palpable in his voice, although it hurt way more his necessity of running away from her. Meredith's eyes catch Carina's, who listened to the whole conversation from behind. They were both deeply concerned, though before either of them could say something else, Dr. Riley appeared, giving him even more tasks and bad news.

If DeLuca wasn't going to listen to her, Lauren will have to. His sister seemed to have more stuff to do, he was long gone, so Meredith took that chance to speak to the doctor uninterrupted, but it was pointless. The other doctor looked more put together as if she has been having good nights of sleep.

 _Andrew must be doing all the work_.

The conversation only ruined Meredith more. Riley was taking advantage of his passion, treating him like a robot, and he was allowing it. He wanted to prove he was good enough to make an impossible diagnosis. He wanted to prove himself to her.

She decided to keep with her day, ignoring her concerns; nonetheless, she had to cross paths with Carina, who was even more worried yet, she was the only seeing the situation clearly. Meredith was love blinded. There were signs, noticeable signs. It hurts to know what she thought where proves of his love could also be part of his symptoms. She tried to associate every action with him being a resident, but this was not healthy.

_Would you even think to ask that question if you didn't love him?_

She probably already will be working on the case; however, she let it slide for once. That night they very publicly brook up. Meredith did _nothing_ about it.

* * *

The fourth time was _cold_ , pun intended.

Meredith knew it was a terrible idea. She was a little bit mad at Hayes for encouraged Andrew to leave on foot in the middle of a storm blizzard. She was angrier at the Italian for not listening to her and for his sarcasm. She knew he was deeply hurt by her comment of him sounding like his father; she gets it. If someone one day tells her she is just like her mother, she will run away to San Diego, _again_.

She had to admit that she was getting tired. She can't -but she will- spend her whole life chasing after him. There was only so much she can do for him without him accepting he has a problem.

At the time, she was trying to focus on the surgery, with him being the only thing on her mind. Hayes was aware of her concern and tried to distract her, it did help. She needed to get rid of the weight in her heart. The male nurse saying DeLuca just left Seattle Press, did not help. Meredith has always been using medicine as a coping mechanism, yet, this wouldn't be enough if she loses him.

_Should I not have trusted him to go?_

She should have done better. She could have stopped him. She is his superior, but pulling that one on Andrew would have made the situation ten times worst than it was. She was still hopeful for them. A love like that does not disappear overnight. Meredith once told Alex she didn't want to be in love again unless it felt like family. She never pictured she will find it in the chief of residents her best friend almost left blind and dumped her sister. However, now nobody can erase the permanent mark he has made in her life. He brings out the best in her. He makes her feel like that young intern who always fell in love so deeply and so intensely. He is her second great love story, and she is _losing him_ _too_.

"Okay, I'm back, I got it." All the people in the O.R. jumped from surprise when Andrew entered, slamming the door, shaking from the cold, looking blue with almost black hands carrying the organ. "Here, here. I got it." Meredith was terrified of the shape he was, her eyes scanning from head to toe with the most worried look everyone has ever seen on her.

"Dr. DeLuca, tell me you wore gloves." Meredith was grateful Hayes was the first one to talk because she had lost her words. She was in complete shock. The authoritative voice of her colleague pulls her out of the tornado of emotions in her mind.

"Okay. I wore gloves." His newly developed sarcasm showed how over he was with the situation. In his mind, he was the hero. There was nothing wrong with what he just did. Why is everyone looking at him so judgmental?

 _The hell you wore_.

"Let's page Dr. Avery right now. Let's prep for this transplant." She said to whoever in the room would listen. Her tone could barely express how mad she was at him for being so careless. She looked at him straight in the eyes with rage. She did not know he was looking at her for support. He did something great. This is good for him, why she cannot be on his side for once?

"Me-, Dr. Grey-" Andrew swallowed the Meredith and changed to their professional language to ask to scrub on the surgery, letting his jealousy take the best of him.

"No, someone get Dr. DeLuca out of here, and _please_ , give him a warming blanket and page the other Dr. DeLuca." She was more than strong enough to throw his intentions out of the window, kick him out of the O.R. and seek for his wellbeing at the same time she was fighting the urge to warm him herself. His sister will have to do what she is aching to, scold him, and stop him from doing more harm to himself.

Meredith goes back to the surgery while someone is helping him out of the room. Hayes is throwing at her a face that can only be asking if she wanted to go. He got this. She decides to ignore it, being aware of how pissed she was and how if she goes, she will probably say something to break him more.

As always and expected from her, she pushes throw the day. Puts on a happy face when the parents of her patient thank her, and asks for Andrew. She changes from her surgical clothes to scrubs, does some rounds even go for some hot chocolate to the cafeteria where she drinks it by herself in a little bit of peace and quiet. She knows he's alive, she does not have to keep worrying about him, but the marshmallows won't get her mood up if she does nothing. She has to see him; it's going to cost a part of herself to do it, yet, she has to. She owes it to him and to their love to put her anger away and go.

Meredith didn't have to ask which room was him because the worried Italian OB/GYN outside of the door was more than enough. Carina turns her head to notice her, they share a small nod of heads but both of them had their attention on Jackson, telling Andrew he's going to need to debride the damaged tissue in the O.R.

_At least he is not a popsicle._

"Thank you," Meredith says to the plastic surgeon with what can be her last smile in a while. The women enter the room in unison.

Seeing him as a patient is quite bizarre. He has always been this I'll be your strength when you need to and even when you don't figure. They were scared for him; however, all those feelings will have to stay hidden for a while.

"I'm not really in the mood for visitors." Andrew says aggressively. It causes no effect on both women who are controlling their breaths and minds to not scream at him for being so reckless and selfish.

"Andrew, that little girl is alive because of you, so I just wanted you to know that." Her voice irradiated happiness. She was so proud -and mad- of him.

"I do know that, and I also know that if you'd had it your way," He turns his head to look at her straight in her eyes. His sister has nothing to do with this, honestly, he would prefer she wasn't, so he focused his attention on Meredith, making the room way smaller than it is. "I wouldn't have gone out there, and that little girl would be dead, so I guess you're thanking me for not listening to you." He is trying to hurt her. She can feel it so vividly in the same way she feels the man she loves walk away. She cannot speak; she is building an intern armor to protect herself from his out of place backlash.

"Andrea, we were just worried about you," Carina says in a soft voice. She has enough experience to know that fighting with him will lead to nowhere. "Okay, this just like when papa-"

_Wrong words._

"I'm not him, okay?! I'm not him!" He's screaming, trying to convince them or himself. He does not know at this point. "For the first time in my career, I'm succeeding on my own without anybody's help. Why can't just be happy for me and accept that?" Truth to be told, he still carries with him his father's words about not being enough for Meredith. He wants to be great at his job, that's more than okay, but he also wants to feel worthy of her love, a thing that will end up destroying him one day. "Why- why- why you do- you always got to accuse me of- of not being well?" He is stumbling his words because of the rage; he sounds desperate and so misunderstood. He is trying to find his way to them, but something is pulling him. _He has no control_.

"Because there's a history-" Meredith's insides were breaking seeing him like that; however, she could not help him unless he was willing to get the help. Interrupting her and ignoring she was talking proved he was not even close to that point.

"Okay, well I don't accuse you of having Alzheimer's every time you forget something, do I?" As if she didn't do it herself. Meredith's anger grew so fast with his comment. She could not believe he pulled that one on her without thinking about it twice. "You know? You can go, Meredith. Please, just- just leave." She loves him a lot, but as she should, she loves herself more to stay in that room.

She leaves with her head high, not letting him know he got her. She has patients who want help; at this moment, they are more deserving of her time than the stubborn Italian. She can feel him slipping through her hands, she does not want to let him go, but he is getting more and more irrational than what she can take. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't have a Cristina near to yell at him for her or an Alex to beat him to death, _again_.

It's easy for her to find comfort in Hayes. He doesn't seem to like Andrew, and he doesn't know her enough to give her a hard time. He is just an outside guy with an unbiassed perspective; however, the only thing he causes when he asks her if it was good to love someone again was a wave of flashbacks.

Cinnamon flavored memories of both of them fill her thoughts. He made her so happy. He returned the glow she had been missing since Derek died. He had this ability to showcase the best part of herself with only a sentence. He was a romantic, excellent cooker, brave, her kids liked him enough, good in bed, a goofball sometimes, every girl dreams just for her. It was inevitable for her to fall in love with him, although this new him was ripping apart the awesome memories to replace them with what if she was just a symptom, or what if his mental health was perfect and this was just his true colors?

Meredith goes home that night just to be received by Ellis, asking where her special friend was and why she hasn't seen him in a long time. She dodges the question with an effective he's busy. That night she goes to bed, and unlike other days, she cries, not for long, not so much, just enough to fall asleep.

* * *

The fifth time was the worst. It was very public, very cruel on them, and _helpless_. Meredith has heard in the hallways of the hospital that Bailey has suspended him from surgery until a therapist says otherwise, she wants to feel happy about him, but he also has been ignoring her and pretending she doesn't exist. They are mad, and in love; it's messy. They thank anything above for the fact that they don't have to be in the same room for multiple hours because they could easily kill each other while making out.

Today was the first pro-bono surgery day. Her dream was coming true. Today her screed up personal life did not matter. The first few hours were okay, everything was going accord the plan, and the whole thing was working like a well-oiled machine, then everything went to hell. The O.R.'s were packed in no time, making her change the schedule for the other surgeries also having to add like five more, but how could she say no? The point of this day is giving high-quality care to people who needed the most; obviously, emergency patients will have to take the lead.

There's like a rule in her life she has never been able to escape, whenever things are going good for Meredith Grey, there has to be a plane crash. Today's plane crash started when she entered O.R. four hoping to find her patient, all she found was Owen Hunt and Jo scrubbing on their surgery with their patient on the table. Perhaps she got confused, or maybe her patient had been sent to the wrong O.R. Unfortunately, Helm had to tell her that Dr. DeLuca said that she wanted to change things around. If Meredith was pissed before, now she was full of rage. He can mess up with her heart everything he wants, but her work was out of limit. He will hear from her, screw the love, this was other people's lives. It was so easy for her to give the other of taking out his patient of the schedule, so easy, a decision she will probably regret for a long time.

It was a day full of discoveries. She found out she could elongate the time laps of her pro-bono surgeries. She found a new admiration and respect towards Tom Koracick, which was surprising, and she found that definitely Andrew DeLuca has bipolar disorder, and he was facing a manic episode.

Find him in the middle of the waiting room, screaming at the top of his lungs while holding back tears will be an image Meredith will never forget. She kept calling for him, but there was no response. He was lost in himself like never before. He was paranoid, irrational, and angry at everyone for not believing him. Cindy was being a victim of human trafficking; why was he the only one who could notice that?

Meredith remembers how the second she arrived, the crowd cleared her path to him. Bailey was there, Webber was there, Carina was there and back in Italy with her father in her mind. Most of the hospital's main surgeons were watching the downfall of Andrew. Everyone kept looking at her, asking what to do, but she was clueless. Her heart wanted to believe in him so badly, but her mind knew he may be delusional. She got to take him out of there. How could she reach him when they were so far apart?

Making that circle around him will always be one of the hardest things she had done. Watching him breakdown to tears on top of a chair without being able to touch him. Look at him in the eyes and make the vague promise that everything was going to be alright. Her eyes couldn't leave Andrew's face.

She could not find him in the person in front of her; however, this is the most of his pure self she has seen in days. She had to break the grip on her hands with whoever she thinks it had them, probably Owen and Bailey, to rub his arm and the hand of the same. She couldn't reach the other because he was holding his crying face with it. She could feel his scars from when he got frostbite, a reminder of what she should had seen as an episode.

Meredith forgot she was mad at him. She needed to touch him in the middle of this chaos. Carina's cries matching his were too much to handle, all the eyes on her begging to stop him when she had no control over him, not anymore.

He got tired of fighting, so he stopped. Meredith, with the heaviness of her heart, let go of him. He followed the security team to the chief's office with his sister by his side. She was grateful Carina took the initiative to go because she was still in shock with what happened. She was incredulous.

She took her hands to her mouth to release the breath she was holding only to find out her face was a little bit wet. She doesn't even remember crying, all she recalls was him in such distress and her not being able to do anything.

She feels Maggie's hand on her shoulder. She allows herself to be vulnerable for a second before politely grabbing her sister's hand. Meredith takes off her scrub hat and gives it to Pierce. She looks at her, saying everything with her eyes, and starts running towards Bailey's office. She must see him. He could keep crying or having another crisis. For a bipolar patient, a manic episode can last months. He could still need her.

"DeLuca!" Meredith doesn't even make it to the office before hearing Miranda screaming his name and him running away from her looking angry.

"Hey, what are you doing?" By seeing him, she realizes she must act the most natural possible to not disturb him even more. He looks more put together than minutes before; however, he is not fine.

"Looking for a new job, I quit." That took her by surprise. This is not a conversation that has to happen in one of the most open areas in the hospital.

"I tried." Miranda has her history of mental illness, she gets him more than everyone right now, but all the effort she put in her office to talk to him was pointless. "He needs help, but he won't listen." Bailey stopped following him, knowing that probably the only person who can talk some sense on him is Meredith given how he screamed at his sister in her office.

Meredith doesn't stop following him, she thought he was going towards the elevator, but apparently, he decided to take the stairs because there is where they finish, and where she decides to stop him given her luck with this particular staircase. "Okay, Andrew, look at me, please." She prefers not to keep moving with the both of them wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

"No. _No_." He goes down a few steps more than her. It seemed like he doesn't want to stop walking away from her.

" _Please._ " Her second try hit harder, he finally stopped, but he got too many emotions inside him. Maybe she could understand him.

"Since day one, all I ever wanted was to be like _you_ , like all of you." His father strikes again. "You know, just accomplish the impossible, make a difference in people's lives and the more I do that, the more you all just judge me and call me crazy, and I'm not!" _My father_. "And I'm sick of it, and I'm done!" All the rage inside him was coming to the outside. Perhaps it was suitable that they were on different levels physically; however, their psychological levels were the ones who were costing them everything.

"But you are accomplishing the impossible, and that's why I can't let you quit!" Truth to be told, he was growing more and more as a surgeon, and he was talented. He figured it out Suzanne, he thought of the impossible.

Meredith can't help but remember when he told her she didn't respect him. If only she had tried harder to make him understand he got her respect, maybe they wouldn't be here. Just a possibility full of weight; however, in the end, it was impossible given the fact he is bipolar by genetic heritage. It was inevitable, but not hopeless. It would never be hopeless.

"I'm not your business anymore, Meredith!" She missed the old Mer days. "I don't work for you, and I don't love you!" She wants to think he said it out of rage, or he was being brutally honest with her; either way, it hurt a _lot_.

"But _I_ love you!" He was trapped in his mind. It was her duty to take him out of there. That took him both out of any storm they were. They knew they loved each other, but it has been, rarely, said out loud. He reacted instantly to those words, and finally, in what it seemed like centuries, their eyes connected. The message finally arrived. "I love you." If she had to say it a million times to assure him that it wasn't some out of the blue emotion, she would do it.

She had to go down the rest of the stairs and be by his side because she wasn't afraid of him. She will do the impossible to believe him. "You went to jail for me. You saved me from myself." She may be next to him, but her mind was back on that day outside her porch when Andrew told her she needed some time, indeed, she did need it. Before she wasn't able to see all the things, he has done for her, missing him got her to the conclusion she couldn't see a life where he wasn't around. It was her turn to make those sacrifices for him, she may lose him in the process, but as long as he finds himself back, she will be happy for him. "I cannot let you walk away from this." _From me_. "Just take some time, take the suspension, but come on, this is not how this ends." His face looked frustrated, but it seemed like she got him. He will always be more afraid of losing her even if now all he wants it's to keep denying the truth.

They were having a whole fight with their eyes, hers were full of love and concern while his eyes were dark and watery, but in the end, she won. "If you tell Bailey to call the national trafficking hotline and investigate that girl, I'll take the suspension." He couldn't hold her gaze any more. His actions were starting to hit him. He felt ashamed and embarrassed about all the mess that he made. He hated himself for all the stuff he said to her.

"Done." She was proud of him for listening; however, she felt disappointed in herself for letting him go so easily. She wished she followed him down the stairs and took him to her home to take care of him, but she didn't.

The rest of the day was blurry. Her mind and hands were so busy that her heart couldn't take the lead. She could feel people staring at her and talking behind her back, admiring how she just saw the man she loved having a manic episode yet, she kept working. The secret was working didn't allow her to feel.

* * *

The sixth time she got _him_ back.

It has been one of the hardest periods in her life. She lost not only Alex and Andrew, but she was also losing _Richard_. His meltdown was just barely a month after Andrew's, it took everyone with their guards down, but Meredith was suffering the punch even more being alone.

Amelia was about to have a baby, spending all her nights with Link. Maggie was preferring to be by Richard's side than fully working on the case given what happened with her mom. She couldn't blame them; they were all needed somewhere else, but she couldn't help to feel lonely.

She hasn't seen _him_ in a while, not even in the hospital. He was supposed to be attending therapy; that means he could be avoiding her because of his recovery, right?

Her mind was completely on her father figure case. In the beginning, she was betting he had a stroke, but neither his first hospital nor they at Greys-Sloane had evidence of that. His symptoms were familiar, too _familiar_. Richard had cognitive decline, short term memory loss, agitation, irritability, depression, mood changes, erratic behavior, hallucinations, and tremors. It was logical to think it was Alzheimer's, but Meredith knew better. This was the disease she was the most familiar with within the whole world. He did not have it. They were getting nowhere, and the symptoms list was growing every day. She needed help.

When Bailey told her Andrew was at the hospital and asked her to make sure he leaves, she saw a window for opportunity. Meredith not only needed emotional support, but she also needed his mind. One of the reasons she fell in love with him is how passionate he's about medicine without being a shark about it, just what Webber needed. It was hard for her to see him after so many days, but he seemed fine. His longer hair and not well taken care of beard may not be the best signs; however, she wanted him here.

Richard had an army of surgeons handling his case, but Andrew and Meredith were doing all the heavy investigation. They were doing everything since everyone seemed to be obsessed with the forbidden word, _Alzheimer's_. Somehow, they were both stubborn about that not being the right diagnosis. DeLuca these days lacked credibility; however, Meredith still had enough to keep doing tests. They did every single test they knew and even tried some experimental ones, but nothing was showing.

They worked side by side for almost two months, sixty days of them in the same room only talking medicine, with no exception. There were moments, well, little things that showed how much they cared about each other. Andrew always made sure they had some drink; Meredith was making sure they were eating. Some late nights when none of them wanted to go home, the two would sit on the couch and leaned their heads on the other shoulder. Bailey once even found them cuddled up sleeping but never say anything about it. They deserved to feel something other than helpless.

It was almost like they made this silent promise of setting their hearts apart as long as their mentor needed them. It was for the best. Sex only makes things messier and way more difficult than needed; besides, Meredith was suffering enough. She didn't need more Italian drama. Perhaps that is the reason behind her forgetting to check on _him_.

She was only making sure he didn't lose strength. She didn't notice how he hasn't been to therapy since he got involved in the case or how he only slept when it was with her, and those were very limited times. Maggie did notice, but she ignored it not wanting him to leave.

Andrew started strong, focused without sounding obsessed and following orders; nevertheless, that stable period lasted the first four weeks. He started wanting to do some of the tests himself, screaming more and more, getting more lost in himself for sometimes periods. She even thinks he was crying the other day. Those things didn't stop her from preventing working him to the extreme. Slowly Meredith had to add making sure he doesn't talk to Catherine or Bailey, going down to the O.R. floor, and calm him down when he got too passionate to her to-do list. It was exhausting, but then it _happened_.

He did it. Her Andrew saved Richard's life. It wasn't one of the fancy surgeons who worked on the case. Even she was not able of figuring it out. The resident solved the impossible case with a groundbreaking discovery. There were some obstacles on his way, mostly because he was reaching his breaking point growing more irrational to the extreme he almost got himself kicked out of the hospital, anyway, he gave a perfect use to his last credible moment.

She was so proud of him. He may have an untreated mental disorder; nevertheless, that didn't stop him of accomplish the impossible. She could only imagine all the things he could do once he gets treated. They did make a great team, and she was looking forward to continuing to work with him even if it doesn't involve the romantic aspect of the relationship. She hoped that wouldn't be the case.

Meredith was standing so tall, observing Andrew during the surgery. He wasn't allowed to touch Richard, but with her help, he was in there to see the outcome of his brilliant catch. The surgery lasted almost eight hours in which she did not leave. From time to time their eyes crossed, a little bit stupid considering he should be seeing the surgery but was choosing to see her.

 _Look what I have made possible_.

By the end of the procedure, she couldn't help to let out a huge smile for him being so overwhelmed with so many emotions. She left the gallery of O.R. full of joy. She even called her children to let them know the good news, mommy was coming home.

She got distracted with the work she had been neglecting right after. Thankfully she didn't have that many patients with the cleared schedule she gave to herself to be fully focused on Richard. Eventually, the adrenaline wore out, so she decided to call it a day. She ran into Hayes on her way out. He asked her out for drinks, and as much as she wanted to go out with a friend, she was way too tired for that. Maybe at another time, she will get to know him better. She was so ready to go home when out of sensation, she turned her head towards a nurse station only to find _him_ there.

"Hey, Andrew?" She ran to him, he was on the floor with his back leaned to the station, she decided to get on the floor with him to look at his face. She felt forced her to grab his hands to comfort him. He no longer looked euphoric. He was extremely tired and sad.

_What did I do to him?_

"Andrew, it's over." Meredith was getting more used to find him when he was having an episode. However, as far as she knows, he has never experienced a depressive one till now. He didn't want to look at her eyes, moving his gaze trying to avoid her, but it was pointless. "Maggie said she'll call us if there are any changes." She was using the king of voice she used when one of her kids was having a nightmare yet, his eyes were fixed on the floor. Meredith was repeatedly rubbing his arm and massaging the scars on his hand with her thumb- She was trying to let him know it was okay. He was safe in her arms.

"I don't- I can't, uh…" His voice was very fragile and broken. He let go of her hands to grab his head in a failed attempt to calm his swirling mind. "I don't know what's going on." It finally hit him; he has a problem. He was the blind one. All it took it was some real happiness to fall from the high. He was terrified of himself for becoming the thing he swore he would never be. He had become his father. Andrew contracted his whole body trying to hide, but Meredith was there to catch his hands just in time.

"Okay, okay, can we just go home?" Neither of them knew what that meant, but it didn't matter, he was the one who needed her, and she owes him -and wants- to take care of him. "Let's go home, okay? Come on." She got them both out of the floor, but it was almost as if he was too weak to walk. He placed his arm around her; she showed no protest, also hugging him with her left arm for better support. She could feel his rapid heartbeat in the palm of her hand. "Do you want me to get your things?" He nodded his head slowly. They started walking towards the elevator. They didn't let go of each other the whole elevator ride to the low level. She got to the resident's lounge, where out of habit, he was leaving his stuff in there these days. "Sit here, please" She placed him on the bench while she went through his locker packing his essentials on his backpack. She didn't have to ask him the code because he was corny enough to put her birthday as the password.

A lot of people were staring at them and gossiping behind their backs. She sent them all dirty looks and was going to say something about it when Helm was ahead of her. "It's depressing how every single one of you has to mind other people's business because your lives aren't interesting." Meredith mouthed a thank you to her making her blush and leave the room in a hurry. Usually, she would laugh, but Andrew somehow ended up on the floor again when she wasn't paying attention.

"Andrew, let's go." She extended her arm, and he grabbed him to get up almost on his own.

_Progress._

At this point, she will take whatever the universe wants to give her. They returned to the same position and kept walking while Meredith was speaking low to Andrew that everything was going to be okay. Rubbing his back every time the fast beat overwhelmed her.

"Grey, do you need help?" They crossed paths with Hayes in the parking lot who, apparently, hasn't left. You have to admire that man's determination.

"Thank you, but _I got him_." She could feel him judging too, but as well, it didn't matter at all. Meredith was able to take him to her car and get Andrew in the codriver seat without so much trouble. She was sure of something; he ain't going to get in that motorcycle for a _while_. When she fastened her seatbelt, she had another dilemma, should she take him to his home or hers? He was in no shape to be alone, and as far as she knew, his sister was busy with her sister's baby. Without more rodeo, she got into the car.

"I don't think I can be alone now." She hasn't even closed the door before he says that heartbreaking sentence.

"It's okay. You don't have to." She grabbed him and turned to look at him with a melancholic smile thinking the worst of what he just said. After a few seconds, she placed his left hand on her thigh, she may need both hands to drive, but she wasn't letting him go, not now, not ever.

When they got home, Meredith was able to get him out of the car; however, he still looked so weak to walk on his own. She carried him to her front door with a little bit of trouble. "I'm going to get the keys out of my purse." Andrew nodded his head. While she was opening the door, he was leaning on the wall playing with his hands. He did not want to look at her in the face. He was feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was giving up on himself. "Let's go inside." This time he walked on his own.

The nanny was sitting on the couch, going through some book when she heard the door. She got surprised by the scene in front of her; she knew Andrew to be a very cheerful and polite guy. Meredith was grateful the woman just grabbed her things and left. She will pay her later.

"Do you think you can go upstairs alone?" She grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to turn around to look at her. He was on the verge of tears, but so far, he was holding everything in very well.

"Yes." He said straight forward. The trip to her room seemed to go flawless until just before opening the door, Zola was walking down the hallway.

"Hi, Zozo, what are you doing up?" Meredith was distracting her so Andrew could get into her room without her seeing him in such a bad shape. She didn't hear the click of the door closing so she moved to the side obstructing Zola's view of her room. Meredith wanted to protect her daughter from something she could not protect herself.

"I'm thirsty; is Dr. DeLuca okay?" Inevitably, her daughter did notice her broken whatever they are at the moment. She knew her relationship with Andrew was just fine, nothing complicated, but it definitely could not get worst in the future. She will not be able to have him around if one of her children hates him.

"Yeah, yes, he's just tired." Zola was an incredibly smart girl who noticed the nervousness in her voice. She was moving her head side to side, trying to look inside her mother's room.

"Are you okay?" The girl tilted her head to the side in the most adorable way. Her presence was inconvenient but very welcomed, she needed that.

_No._

"Yes, I'm fine." Meredith was doing the impossible to not crumble to pieces in front of her; however, Zola can see people's insides so clearly. She envied her ability a lot.

"Good, he hasn't been around in a while. You can use the company." Her daughter left without saying more. She stood there in shock; when did her little girl grow up?

Meredith shook her head, waking up from her proud mother trance. She enters the room to find Andrew curled up on the bed already under the sheets. Her heart melts at seeing him so small; it was her turn to save him from himself. It won't be easy to help him, but as she gets into bed with him, looks into his eyes, takes his hands, caresses his cheek until he falls asleep, she knows they will be okay.

Maybe they will have to stay apart for a little bit more so he can focus on himself. Maybe they will never get back together again. One thing is for sure, they do not give up on love today.

_Shit, I didn't check on Amelia._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put the warning because I personally feel deeply about some of those scenes so I just wanted to be extra careful, also I'm not an expert on this disorder, feel free to let me know the smallest inconvenient. I know this is mostly a rewrite, but I wanted to do my take on these scenes from Meredith's perspective with an extra emphasis on her feelings about Andrew. It seemed right to me until I had to rewatch season 16 to write this.  
> Feel free to follow me on Tumblr, I can take requests if you like because so far, all I have written is angst. I have some ideas for fluff so don't leave, and also would you like me to do part 2 of Train Wreck?, I have some ideas that appeared to me in my insomnia.  
> The song is Orpheus by Sara Bareilles, yes, I'm a theater kid.


	3. Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by season 14 episodes 21 and 24; bad reputation and all of me.
> 
> Confused Meredith, drunk Andrew, Cristina being Cristina and the Karev's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a messy draft that I had, but I feel like, after those three episodes, we need something light.

_If mommy bought milk and it was spoiled, and I have to return it._

Some mundane words Meredith told her daughter will define the rest of her life without knowing. She wanted to hide the humongous mistake of having an award named after a sexual assaulter from her child; an ordinary parenting move. However, nothing is that simple with her. There is always a message within her words, in this case, an Italian Garfunkel.

After dropping her kids at school, she was driving to the hospital with her mind acting like a blender. She needed to talk to someone who would judge her a lot to the point she would be able to see her errors. Without taking her eyes off the road, she grabbed her cellphone from her purse and pressed the speed dial. "I called him Andrew in front of Zola." She said, in her classic, Meredith Grey is on a crisis tone.

" _Considering how you been calling him in your bedroom, that's no surprise for me_." Her best friend, Cristina Yang, answered quickly. The time difference was rude with them sometimes. Today, for their luck, was an exception. It was her paperwork day, or better called, her free day.

"I should've never told you that." She rolled her eyes. A week ago, Dr. DeLuca started crashing on her couch. And after a bad day at work with a lot of tequila exchanged between, six days ago, he started crashing her room just to leave before dawn. As expected, she told her best friend right away, and since, she hasn't heard the end of it.

" _And you shouldn't be sleeping with a resident who just got dumped yet, here we are_." Meredith could hear Cristina putting her feet on the desk, getting ready to have more fun with her situation. " _At least he is any good? With all his crying and complaining during the day, it's hard for me to picture him all Magic Mike like Bello said he is_." It's an expected Yang type of comment; she should have been prepared for it; instead, she's regretting the call at the mention of that particular last name. Andrew's ex was a nice, chatty person to Meredith's dislike; however, she was also a promising doctor and an excellent addition to her best friend's hospital. " _Why are you silent? Oh my god, you are jealous_."

"I can't get jealous of his deported girlfriend after less than a week of uncommitted sex," None of them bought it. "I was taking a difficult turn." She placed both of her hands on the wheel, straighten her spine, moving a little bit to pretend to feel confident when nobody was watching. She was in some trouble. "That's not I why called you!" They never get irritated with each other, it's just a fun game, sometimes annoying, but that's how they work.

" _Mhm_ ," Meredith heard how her friend bit an apple, " _Okay, you called him by his name, what's wrong with that?_ " There was a silence that indicated that her best friend was making that face she does when someone is stating the obvious. " _Fine, you're getting comfortable with the depressed Italian guy who lives on your couch and makes you scream at night when you obviously don't want to. Kick him out_." Her chewing made it hard to understand what she was saying, but the message was clear. She doesn't have to deal with someone she doesn't want to.

"I can't kick him out. He's suffering; besides, it's easier for me if he's already in my house." Truth to be told, she was starting to care about Andrew, just a little -they have been sleeping together for six days, it's not like you can think about marriage-, but enough to scare her. "And he makes great cappuccinos. It's a win-win." He barely moved out of the couch on those days, but when he did was to please her in all the possible situations she was able to picture.

" _Meredith, the guy, is heartbroken and seeking comfort in your lonely bed. It's a surprise to me he hasn't called you by his ex's name._ " A supposedly to be a harmless joke cut deep on her. It was bizarre if Andrew was using her or if she was using him on whatever it was their type of relationship. One thing was for sure; it was leading them nowhere. " _I'm not saying you can't keep seeing him."_ Cristina paused to think carefully about her next words. _"I'm just saying you have to put boundaries between you and your booty call_." She could picture perfectly how her best friend sat straight and put her apple to the side on her desk to speak in a more serious tone.

The visualization can't compensate for the distance, but it helps.

"Boundaries, you're right." It was logical and what she needed. She wanted to keep seeing him without strings attached. Not living in the same place will be a great start. "Maybe I can make Alex kick him out."

" _Isn't he the same Italian resident he hit the hell out?_ " Good point.

Getting Andrew out of her house was easier than she thought. A couple of lies here and there, a pediatrician, a sister, and there you had it, problem solved, or _not_. When he came back to the hospital, he seemed to be doing angrily fine, the expected from someone like him who always felt everything too deeply.

They didn't stop seeing each other, they couldn't, and they didn't want it. They were each other's anesthesia, a safe escape to forget about their lost loves. None of them demanded more than what the other could give. They would find Wonderland in their arms just to lose it over and over again when they were apart.

It was safe to say that besides the mind-blowing sex, there was some talking involved. Nothing meaningful; just the basics to not make them feel like they were in some bizarre one-night stand situation. Once Meredith revealed at an elevator that she knew Italian, and understood every single word between him and Carina. Andrew felt embarrassed and inspired for the next step in the relationship (if you feel obligated to call what they have something).

They would meet at on-call rooms, the rooftop, stairs, supplies closets, anywhere it was available for them to have a little fun and forget about their worries. They were going through a lot simultaneously, she having to bring down a part of her mother's name and him still being bitter about Sam. Their extracurriculars were frequent, passionate, totally secret, and to their knowledge, nobody was suspecting _anything_.

They had learned to communicate through their eyes so quickly that words weren't necessary, something that helped with the discretion. Andrew had been focusing a lot on peds so they were rarely on the same case, their lunch breaks were different, and he still carried the whole 'she hates me for almost putting her best friend in jail' so that was another advantage. Nonetheless, that didn't stop the teasing and sometimes too obvious _sexual tension_.

Meredith discovered that the more comfortable he was getting, the more handsy -and cocky- he was. He was obsessed with sneaking his hand to the skin of her waist whenever he was capable just to lay his fingers there without doing anything. Also, he loved to unhook her bra on her way out of any room that they used; he has done it all the time. It was annoying, but she never showed any opposition to it.

She also discovered new things about herself. First, she loved to whisper to Andrew in his ear and see how tense he gets from it. Second, she did need the company. She was enjoying way too much that she didn't mind having to kick him out of her room before her sisters find out, to do all kinds of things quickly, to not be there for him twenty-four seven. She loved the simplicity of not having anything and everything with him.

It has been almost three months of illicit encounters who progressively evolve to secret meals, he made for her sometimes to enjoy in the on-call room on the general surgery floor. It seemed reasonable to know each other on the inside a little bit better as time kept moving with how well they knew the exterior; nevertheless, something was changing. They were texting on a daily basis with phone calls on the nights they weren't spending together -which were rare- yet they refused to believe there was more to them than desire.

On the night of the first day of April's hospitalization, there were _fireworks_ between them. Meredith seemed to be going through something Andrew couldn't understand, yet, he wanted to help. That night they barely touch the other. They just talked until they fell asleep to wake up tangled in what they thought was more than an embrace. That night, _feelings_ were involved.

"I'm serious, Cristina." Meredith was hidden, sitting while eating some baby carrots in the corner of Bailey's office. It was an excellent place that was always empty at midnight. "He was looking at me with puppy eyes." She bit her carrot with fury. Why their perfect little arrangement had to be going down?

" _Why do we always talk about the obvious? Meredith, you were naked in front of him. He is not going to look at you the same way_." Cristina was doing her morning rounds while talking to her best friend. People around were looking at her as if she were crazy to be using headphones while treating patients, but nobody dared to question her.

"That's the thing, I wasn't naked!" She screamed at the phone for better emphasis of her outrage, making Cristina grunt for the loud noise directly to her ears. "We were just…" She pauses to take a second to relive such fond memory. "-talking and eating some leftovers of my fridge, nothing worthy of a moment." She can remember how they gravitated around each other that night. They were sharing deep little moments of their lives in mumbles, doing domestic activities. Intertwining hands when their closeness demanded; even though that was a violation of their unspoken rules. Andrew was there for her when he didn't have to, it worried her, the last person who did that for her wasn't even alive.

" _I would never encourage you to do something stupid like dating a resident, but it seems to me that you already are_." A bucket of cold water fell on her with those words, reality hit her like a truck. " _Make it official so you can save all the useless sneaking out that I genuinely believe you suck at it. Honestly, Mer, when you are in love, you have this dumb face._ " Cristina hasn't seen her in years and dared to make comments like that. She was seriously questioning how people around her think she looks when she's around Andrew.

"Who- said- said- something about love?" Meredith almost choked with a carrot. They had known each other for some years, but only six months ago, she started to remember his name and having actual conversations with him, which was double of the time they have been seeing each other. It was delirious to assume something so serious and _terrifying_.

" _So, if I send you back his lovely ex-girlfriend, you'd be fine with it?"_ Cristina was aware that it was a low blow, but if she didn't press her, her best friend would never open up. _  
_

"Why would you imply something so vicious?" Meredith remarked instantly. "And besides, it won't be the first time it happens to me." Riggs was the person who showed her she was still capable of feeling something. Losing him was bittersweet. She was happy, jealous, and mad at him, all at the same time.

" _Because you are not listening to yourself. We are talking about giving it a go with a hot European guy that you have at the palm of your hand, and you are hesitating."_ Their friendship was never about puking feelings or telling the other what they wanted to hear. It was about having someone who could read you like an open book and was more than willing to make an essay about it. _"Mer, do whatever you want to do. Date him, screw him or dump him, it doesn't matter, just do something about it_." As if life was sending Cristina a sign, Sam Bello walks in front of her. Neither of them acknowledges the presence of the other. She just stare at her lost in her mind.

She wants her person to have the life faith took from her, but she wasn't making it easy. Meredith was given an excellent piece of advice and did what she does best. She ignored it completely. Andrew was slowly turning into _that non-friend_ person for her. She will always call him first for the big and little news. They would buy each other's coffee (it's outstanding how _nobody_ seemed to care that they were always carrying around an extra cup). She'd help him whenever he got stuck on a case; he'd always make sure she got all her paperwork done. He was becoming more indispensable for her, a fact that triggered her runaway senses.

According to her logic, the stronger the bond, the stronger the measures. Their special meetings were lesser; however, way more calculated to keep the secrecy, they started happening more and more often at her place thanks to the apparently stable status of her sisters' relationships.

She could feel how they were getting closer, too closer, nevertheless, she would find him sometimes staring at pictures on his phone or looking for a huge amount of time at walls with a lost look in his eyes, the same one she has from time to time when she thinks about Derek. She wanted to know where they were standing, on the other hand, that would lead to a longer conversation she didn't want to have because it would end with him walking away from her. So, she flowed with it. Having half of him was better than nothing, but being alone at a wedding was way worst.

_I don't think love is like candy, I don't think you could be too greedy for it, and I don't think you could fill up on it._

Meredith has way too much on her mind to be overthinking her daughter's words. She may lose Alex today; that should be her number one worry, not some silly conversation. Her thoughts were spiraling because it was true; she has more love to give. She has been living on autopilot. Hanging on only for other people, never for her, breathing in and out and painfully feeling how the days pass her by, meaningless.

"Hey! I thought we were late. Where is everybody?" Amelia pulls her out of her alcohol thoughts. Her sister arrives with her whole pretend family -a problem for later- and a cheerful attitude that only makes her take a bigger gulp of her whiskey.

"Bad GPS link, they all went to the wrong location." For her luck, more time before she has to say goodbye to her person.

"Oh, wow!" Her sister says astounded, but she doesn't get it if it's because of the lack of guests or her starting the party early. "Owen never uses GPS; he is like a walking GPS whereas I can get lost on the way to the bathroom." Amelia is annoying her faster than usual in addition to being a widow in a happy wedding, Meredith can't help her humor. Just the sight of the cake sends her face to complete disgust.

"Meredith, you okay?" Maybe it was her irritated gaze towards the cake or her seriousness, whatever it was, her sister notice she was loathing to be there.

"No." _My best friend is leaving, my Italian resident is in love with someone else, and I'm not supposed to care because we're nothing. I feel nothing for him, and my daughter is forty_. "I feel less okay than I have in a long time." Better to keep it simple and add a classy touch to the vomit of sentimentality with another sip of her drink.

"Oh, my God. I knew it!" Amelia squealed with way too much enthusiasm.

"Knew what?" She reviews the possible answers in her mind, yet she comes inconclusive about what her sister's referring to.

"You're in love with Alex. It's okay. I'm not judging." Never in her wildest dreams, she thought of something that stupid would leave Amelia's mouth. "I have suspected it for years, but it's a bad day for the revelation."

"Amelia, stop talking." The alcohol was beginning to hit her for her sister's luck. In another situation, she would probably put her hand on her mouth to stop her from rambling.

"Right, because people could hear, and that would be really bad." Meredith rolled her eyes to the point she almost felt them pop out of her face.

"No, because I'm not harboring any secret feelings." _For him_. "You may be harboring secret feelings for your ex, who you're playing house with, but I am not in love with Alex." She made sure to say every single word to Amelia's eyes to send the message clear and straight.

"Fine, you're in love with DeLuca." Meredith wasn't even drinking; yet, she choked when those words were processed by her brain. "Please tell me at least I'm right. I already had enough humiliation for a day."

"And I already had enough of you for the day." She walked out without explanation. Normally, she would find a way to ignore/listen to Amelia, but not today. However, her sister's curiosity reminded her how messy her situation was hence it was time to do something about at least one of her problems.

She made the rush decision of creating a fellowship for Jo to keep them at Grey-Sloane, it was a bulletproof plan, and she had to tell her now before they decide. Life hates her sometimes, on her way to the bridal suite, she bumped into someone, _her_ someone.

"I'm so- Meredith!" It was quite comical how baffled they both appeared. He wasn't supposed to be here, they talked about it, and he never said anything about coming. "Carina invited me as her plus one. Apparently, she and Jo bonded over her offering for her study." She was speechless. When did he learn to read her so well?

"Ouh!, good for you." She patted him on the chest and started walking, but he pulled her by the arm closer to him. They were breathing the same air; their noses were touching, their eyes fully connected. They didn't move for a few seconds enjoying the company and the heat of their bodies. Even though they saw each other yesterday, there was a sense of reunion. "Someone could see us." Meredith whispered. They weren't somewhere public, but it was near the entrance, too risky.

"You're acting as if that didn't turn you on more." He was teasing her. Controlling the velocity of his words, keeping his eyes on her lips, and slowly stroking her arm, letting his fingers dance around her without cautions. " _Per favore_." His Italian makes her knees wobbly; she has to hold him tighter to not fall.

_Fuck it._

Their lips met in a passionate kiss that communicates every little thing they will never say out loud. It messy, and they're ruining their hair with hungry hands that didn't seem to get enough of each other. Andrew wanted to sneak his tongue in her mouth, but Meredith knew that if she allowed it, she would probably drag him to a room, and she needed to make Jo the offer.

"Enough, it's my best friend's wedding. We are not doing this." She takes a few steps back, fixing her hair and putting space between them, not trusting her self-control. When it comes to him, sometimes she even forgets her name.

"Come on, Mer, you know it's time." He -understandably- was getting tired of having to hide his feelings for her. They were dating, or at least that was the way he was defining their relationship. But Andrew was afraid to say it out loud because he knew she would cut him off without a second thought.

"Time for what?" Oblivious Meredith was the worst Meredith because she never meant it; of course, she knew what he was referring to, but she wasn't ready. Once the bubble burst, all can go to hell, like right now.

"Don't play that one on me. You know perfectly what I'm talking about." Andrew knew that she was going to reject her feelings and push him away. He decided to cut some of the distance between them, being aware of how vulnerable she can get under his gaze.

"I want to hold your hand in public," He grabs her hands, bringing them up to interwind them so she can appreciate how well they go together. "I want to have lunch with you at an actual table," They both laugh at that. The bunks in the on-call room may not be the best tables. "I want to cross eyes with you unapologetically," He lets go of one of her hands to take her chin. Making sure she sees how much he means every single letter. "-and the most important thing." His hands travel to her cheek. At this point, Meredith forgot where they were and what they were saying before. "Voglio mostrare a tutti come tieni il mio cuore nel palmo della tua mano."

 _I want to show everyone how you hold my heart in the palm of your hand_.

Meredith felt something expand on her chest. Filling her with a sense of relief and other sensations, she was not ready to mention them; however, ready for him to understand. She starts the kiss this time around, less raw, less needy, just pure emotion, and enjoyment. _Euphoric_ , it was the only way to call it. Their mouths take their time to rediscover the other, she tastes like whiskey, and he tastes like beer. An awful combination seemed like the sweetest most delightful thing in the world right now.

Time is frozen, and they are the only people left in the world. Nothing else matters like them. "I want it too, but I can't, at least not today." She doesn't even know how she managed to speak after being breathless seconds ago, but she does it because someone has to stop. Today was not about them.

"I have to be there for Alex and make sure he doesn't move to Boston." She can see the disappointment in his eyes as they fell to the floor in defeat. "Hey, hey, I'm not saying it's impossible, just give me one more day, then we figure this out and see where it leads us." As if taking turns, now she holds his chin and gives him a bright smile that he takes as comfort, still not being satisfied with her response.

"One more day, I can take it." His eyes don't match his words, nonetheless, and as much as it hurts, Alex is her priority. She gives him a quick peek and leaves until he walks away out of her sight. One problem semi-down, a thousand to go.

She has her talk with Jo making sure she doesn't sound pushy, considering she already sounds desperate. Though no one could blame her, she has taken enough loss for two lifetimes already, holding on to one of the few people left was rational. What wasn't rational was the universe's necessity of crossing her path with Andrew's in very public areas.

She stares at him from the distance. He is wearing a grey suit - _corny Italian_ , she thought- that accentuates all his attributes, enhancing them to a point greater than perfection. His orange tie complements the outfit while bringing a colorful touch, and don't get her started on his hair. She could talk about those curls for hours. Just the mere thought of her finger running through his hair makes her bite her bottom lip in a very lascivious inappropriate way.

Meredith feels the need of getting closer to him and, without thinking, walks to where he is touching his arm to warn of her presence. "I offered Jo an attending job." She said with a mischievous smirk. Casual talking was common between them. It would usually happen while they're putting their clothes on, but there wasn't any difference with this new context, was it?

"You did what? You offered her an attending job? Why did you do that?" The speed of his words barely managed to express his surprise. It sounded like an impulsive decision, it wasn't much of her style, and these days, she would have told him before doing anything. He can be unsure about many things regarding their relationship, but he is sure she tells him everything.

She could sense some jealousy in his voice, which was reasonable. "She earned it. She's a good resident, and she'll make a great attending. The same goes for you." She felt the necessity of saying something to reassure him he was seen by her in the professional too. Maybe that would avoid some fights in the future.

"Thank you," There was a hint of flirting on his expression of gratitude for the gesture. "but Mer, come on." The change of tone throws her off a little bit.

"What?" She countered, clueless about what was wrong. She was begging he wouldn't say something that implied they should have discussed that.

"We both know that's not why you offered a job to Wilson." Good answer. He gets closer to her with a grin on his face. "I get it, you want to keep Alex around, but that's not fair." He was using a seductive tone playing with her senses, full-on mode to try to persuade her not to manipulate her friends to do what's convenient for her. "For what I'm listening around here, she just got offered one of the most exciting fellowships in the country. It's a career-defining moment." He is not going to tell her what she wants to hear. He has never been that way, -a thing that Cristina appreciated- however, the truth stings deep in her heart.

"I didn't do a fellowship year. I'm doing just fine." She uselessly tries to defend her point.

"No one compares to _you_." He's dangerously close to her. He basically told that to her lips. She can feel how his hand is treating to touch her. "Have I told you how good you look in that blue dress?" He whispers to her ear, leaving a kiss on her lobe, making her shiver.

"Andrew." She scolds him in a low voice, she asked for twenty-four hours, and he is making them feel like a lifetime. He pulls back from her a little bit, just enough.

"It's an amazing opportunity, and maybe if she is not going to take it, I can give it a go." Her mouth opens instantly, and he's gone before she could say anything. Andrew DeLuca dares to leave her standing there alone, all messed up and dazzled. He's going to pay for that one later.

"Definitely, it has to be DeLuca you are secretly in love with." Amelia's voice startled her to the point she jumped from the scare. "It has to be. All those times I have seen you two together, like a second ago, I thought it was a mutual crush or a fling. I mean, I get it. He's very hot. I would hit that myself-" If she doesn't interrupt her now, she will never stop talking.

"I am not in love with anybody." _Yet_. "Will you just stop projecting your secret love all over me?" She tries to divert the subject, but lately, her sister seemed to be more fixated on her personal life than usual.

"I'm not projecting. You have feelings for him." Amelia was right, but she also shared with Meredith the ability and necessity of having to deflect everyone from her problems. The actual difference is that her sister required loud voices and strong gestures to understand.

"And you're clearly falling for Owen again. You're never home-" Today was interrupt your sister when she's talking day.

"That's better than being with you and Mister I'm quiet as a mouse, for your information, you guys aren't, and do you think we will never going to realize he spends almost every night there?" Meredith's lost for words. She could swear they were being careful, turns out her sisters were being -for the first and probably the only time in their lives- respectful and polite, waiting for her to tell them. If Amelia hadn't said it, she would probably keep believing they didn't know.

"Hey, I know it's hard for you to open up after everything you have been through," Her sister's voice was sweet and calm. She knew she was walking on eggshells with this subject; nevertheless, it was now or never. "but since you started seeing him, you look _alive_ again." She places a hand in her arm to stop her from walking away. She must hear this before she ruins something good in her life. "You just got happy in a world without Cristina and Derek, and I think it's because of him."

"I know," Meredith's eyes fall to the floor in frustration. She plays with her fingers out of anxiety. Feelings have never been her best area. "and he knows it, in a weird way. He knows how hard, is for me. He is patient and never pushes me." A small smile forms on her lips, remembering the opportunities he has had to drove her to the edge and he hasn't. All the time, he has been tolerant, and those rare but existing times when he just shut up and listens not because he wants or has to. Is who he is with her. "It's going to take me a while, but I do want him to be _more_." She takes a big breath as a sign the door has closed; it's all the sentimentalism Amelia gets. "Besides, I already kind of told him, the thing is with him being more, there is going to be stuff I can't say to him, and Alex… he's my Alex, and he's leaving. I don't want to be alone." The puzzle is solved. Little Amelia Drew can rest now.

"Okay, but even if I am kind of falling for Owen, I will always be here for you." Meredith is glad her sister didn't make further comment on Andrew, why her love life was so relevant at her best friend's wedding?

"Oh, whatever." She loves her, she really does, but Amelia has the one thing she hated about Derek. She feels like she can resolve all of her problems. It's sweet but irritating.

Meredith thinks she has had enough drama for the day and decides for the first time in a while to relax and enjoy the party. She doesn't see him after their brief encounter. Perhaps he is with his sister. It's not like she wants him to be around her all the time, yet, the company wouldn't kill her. Their sense of humor is pretty similar, and he's good at making her laugh. He even sometimes makes her feel ridiculous. To her surprise, the one who's making a fool of themselves on this case, it's him.

"So, in the meantime, please, continue to enjoy the canapé and, um, this toast by this handsome..." Of all the possible ways she was supposed to run to him again, him being drunk and giving a speech was not on her list.

"Maybe not the best choice for a toast." Meredith says to Catherine and Maggie without moving. A cruel and bold move coming from her. However, her curiosity about what he was going to say took the best in her.

"Hello, I'm Andrew DeLuca. I'm a co-worker of Alex and Jo." He looked heavily intoxicated, also comical with the way he was holding the microphone and the beer, swinging around with slurred speech. She was wondering how did he get to that state in a matter of an hour. "Uh, well, more than a co-worker, actually, uh, blood has been spilled between us, so that makes us family, I guess." Meredith considers that her mark to get closer in case he says something more impertinating. "Hey, we're having fun, well, I was, but, seriously, you guys, uh. I'm happy for them, you know, because when two people find a moment, just, like, a moment. You guys, of real and true love that doesn't ask you to wait and wait while you're just screaming and bleeding and asking for a chance, you have to celebrate that." And that was her cue to take the microphone from him.

She chooses to ignore every single word he just said for the sake of the future of their relationship. She is more thankful he didn't mention her name. "Thank you, DeLuca." Meredith grabbed Andrew by the shoulders and gave the mic to the wedding planner. "Let's go take a walk." There were some confused looks throw at them. She decided to ignore them because the main reason has to be him.

She didn't speak to him until she was sure they were alone. They were walking, linked by the elbows through the beautiful small bridge. The scene was quite romantic by itself, but she felt the necessity of saying something to him, taking advantage that he probably wouldn't remember in the morning.

"Andrew, I know I'm not the easiest person in the world. Most of the time, I don't understand me." Meredith has to take a big breath to put some memories from her past to sleep a while longer. "But also, I know how much it sucks to lose the person you love. Which makes it difficult to open myself to opportunity because I always feel like I'm losing something or someone." She stops walking to look him straight in the eyes. Andrew is probably not registering any word, but nobody can take away from her the sensation of freedom.

"Andrew, you are young, and you have that face. You are falling in love material." He's looking at her with the sweetest eyes possible. Perhaps his mind thinks this is some hallucination. " I'm still trying to decide if I'm willing to take the risk of putting myself through such pain." She takes his hands and holds them in front of them. "However, you make me feel optimistic by painting life for me in a whole new color palette. You make me want to get my heart broken again, even if the thought of it terrifies me, that's life, and it's beautiful, and it's messy. It's a beautiful mess, and for you, I won't cling to what was. I'm deciding to look at what might be-" She had more speech left, but she didn't mind being interrupted by him kissing her so passionately, so hard and so full of feelings she wouldn't admit, yet, it was already there.

"What the hell, Mer?" Alex.

_Shit, I forgot to call Cristina._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, I wasn't planning on finishing this, but it ended up decent? Idk, I just hope the timeline isn't confusing.
> 
> Honestly, I didn't want it to finish it because I want to see how the season progressed and so far, I'm not mad. I mean, it could be better, but I take what I can get, ignoring how disappointing it was episode 3 for me (I created a lot of expectations around Derek, hahahaha). Anyway, I still have a whole bunch of drafts and ideas, whatever happens, this season is giving me a lot of material.
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr and fanfiction, and request!
> 
> The song is Poison by Rita Ora, I thought of a million different names, I have the file like four or five times more with a different title.


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